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jspoons1293 · 06-15-2008, 04:51 AM

This will be the only thread like this from me, because I feel really out of place saying this, but it's been on my mind for a long time and I need to say it or write it out somewhere and I figured here is as good a place as any.

I've been feeling incredibly lonely for months now. I've felt a sort of loneliness around me for several years, but it's started to build up around me and now it feels like it's suffocating me. I take antidepressants, and they usually help, but for some reason at night they seem to wear off and my mind just spirals downwards. I feel like no matter what I do, it's never good enough for anyone, and that I can never live up to anyone's expectations of me. I hardly live up to my own expectations of myself.

I've looked into support groups and such but they are all so... foreign... to me. I simply feel out of place whenever I am in a situation where people are focused on "helping me." I feel like there's so much else wrong in the world and that the people who are trying to help me are doing the world a disservice by devoting their efforts to me.

I see a therapist, but I don't talk to her. I know I can trust her, and that she's completely understanding of anything that I say or do, but I always refrain from telling her any of the darker aspects of my personality. It's not that I'm ashamed of it, I just feel like if I talk about it, I'm just drawing attention to something that isn't that important.

About two months ago I put a belt around my neck. I can't really tell what the goal of doing that was, whether it was to see what it was like, or whether it was to kill myself. I just remember thinking that I feel like there's a huge weight on my back, crushing me, and that I need a way to escape.

I feel like I want to try to escape again.

A part of me also feels that me thinking about suicide is only because I want to know how people would truly be affected if I was suddenly gone, and that part of me always reminds me that if I actually did kill myself, that I wouldn't be able to find out how people would be affected, so there's no point to killing myself. But that doesn't make me not want to, so doesn't that mean that there's a different reason?

I just feel confused, inadequate, and lonely. Maybe if I had someone of my own it would be different, but for some reason, noone seems to consider me attractive, even though I'm constantly told that I am very cute.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

Help?

06-15-2008, 04:51 AM	#1 (permalink)
jspoons1293 Official GTF Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Shaker Hts, OH Age: 18 Gender: Posts: 432	Lonely. This will be the only thread like this from me, because I feel really out of place saying this, but it's been on my mind for a long time and I need to say it or write it out somewhere and I figured here is as good a place as any. I've been feeling incredibly lonely for months now. I've felt a sort of loneliness around me for several years, but it's started to build up around me and now it feels like it's suffocating me. I take antidepressants, and they usually help, but for some reason at night they seem to wear off and my mind just spirals downwards. I feel like no matter what I do, it's never good enough for anyone, and that I can never live up to anyone's expectations of me. I hardly live up to my own expectations of myself. I've looked into support groups and such but they are all so... foreign... to me. I simply feel out of place whenever I am in a situation where people are focused on "helping me." I feel like there's so much else wrong in the world and that the people who are trying to help me are doing the world a disservice by devoting their efforts to me. I see a therapist, but I don't talk to her. I know I can trust her, and that she's completely understanding of anything that I say or do, but I always refrain from telling her any of the darker aspects of my personality. It's not that I'm ashamed of it, I just feel like if I talk about it, I'm just drawing attention to something that isn't that important. About two months ago I put a belt around my neck. I can't really tell what the goal of doing that was, whether it was to see what it was like, or whether it was to kill myself. I just remember thinking that I feel like there's a huge weight on my back, crushing me, and that I need a way to escape. I feel like I want to try to escape again. A part of me also feels that me thinking about suicide is only because I want to know how people would truly be affected if I was suddenly gone, and that part of me always reminds me that if I actually did kill myself, that I wouldn't be able to find out how people would be affected, so there's no point to killing myself. But that doesn't make me not want to, so doesn't that mean that there's a different reason? I just feel confused, inadequate, and lonely. Maybe if I had someone of my own it would be different, but for some reason, noone seems to consider me attractive, even though I'm constantly told that I am very cute. I just don't know what to do anymore... Help?