My Story-It's the art of writing

Aw.J · 08-20-2008, 01:30 AM

Half of A Page, a Romance fanfic - FictionPress.com

Check it out, so far people say it's good
Critisism welcome, except for that 'My characters aren't believable crap, ya know what I don't give a flying fuck's ass about if my characters are believable.'

RogueWriter · 08-20-2008, 03:15 AM

Okay. First of all, I'm not sure if it's just FP being wonky (because I know from experience that FictionPress uploading is not always as reliable as it should be, seeing as how it is one of the few places -to- post fiction without having your own domain or a blog or whatever), but your layout needs some work. It was kind of hard to read and keep it all straight. How did you upload it? I think (if I remember right) HTML is best for FP.

As far as the story itself goes... I think it would have been more believable if Walker and Dale had been volunteers or something at the daycare, rather then an actual...patrons of the daycare (is that right way to put that?). You could still have the brooding Dale who couldn't give less of a crap about volunteering (his parents forced him into it, blah blah, that kind of thing) and you could still create the misfit-relationship between Taylor and Walker (Taylor is looking for a sibling figure, and Walker is gay so in a little girl's eyes he can qualify both as a brother and a sister...think about that for a minute, it'll make sense).

The end got me a little confused. Not the bold bit (which doesn't need to be bold), but the part where they're fighting over the notebook. I understood that the notebook flew into the water, and that they were then fighting over the drawing Dale had done of the two of them, but it seemed a little...quick I guess? Were there more drawings then that one? Did they rip the picture? I felt like it could have a little more detail.

Oh, and this made me feel bad for carrying around a notebook everywhere (except I cannot draw at ALL, I use mine for writing). I know it's weird sometimes, but really! It'd be more weird for me without it! I love my notebooks.

Aaaaanyway, I hope that helped a little. Other then all of that detail-detail crap I feel the need to spout on about, it was pretty good!

Aw.J · 08-20-2008, 12:59 PM

Okay I see what you're saying and I wish I could do that because it's only a few changes in words, but sadly I have a small fanbase. The notebook bit takes place a year after they met I just didn't feel like going on about it, they did rip it cause it says RIP! And the later relationship in the future is differen't and there's so other ctap in Chapter 1

RogueWriter · 08-20-2008, 05:34 PM

Oooookay. I didn't get that the park and notebook ripping was in the future, compared to the rest of the story. I thought they were still at the park w/ the Daycare group... I think I may be even more confused now, hahaha.

And just because you have a small fan base doesn't mean you shouldn't put the effort in. If you do, it shows that you really really care about what you're working on and it's going to attract more readers. I don't want to get preachy or anything, but only doing half the work isn't going to get you anywhere.

Aw.J · 08-20-2008, 06:14 PM

Okay thanks. I'll redo the whole being volunteer things

08-20-2008, 01:30 AM	#1 (permalink)
Aw.J Official GTF Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Goldsboro, North Carolina Age: 15 Gender: Posts: 205	My Story-It's the art of writing Half of A Page, a Romance fanfic - FictionPress.com Check it out, so far people say it's good Critisism welcome, except for that 'My characters aren't believable crap, ya know what I don't give a flying fuck's ass about if my characters are believable.' __________________ I feel like we're friends again. So why have I put up this wall?

08-20-2008, 12:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
Aw.J Official GTF Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Goldsboro, North Carolina Age: 15 Gender: Posts: 205	Okay I see what you're saying and I wish I could do that because it's only a few changes in words, but sadly I have a small fanbase. The notebook bit takes place a year after they met I just didn't feel like going on about it, they did rip it cause it says RIP! And the later relationship in the future is differen't and there's so other ctap in Chapter 1 __________________ I feel like we're friends again. So why have I put up this wall?

08-20-2008, 06:14 PM	#5 (permalink)
Aw.J Official GTF Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Goldsboro, North Carolina Age: 15 Gender: Posts: 205	Okay thanks. I'll redo the whole being volunteer things __________________ I feel like we're friends again. So why have I put up this wall?

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08-20-2008, 03:15 AM	#2 (permalink)
RogueWriter Official GTF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Wisconsin Gender: Posts: 26	Okay. First of all, I'm not sure if it's just FP being wonky (because I know from experience that FictionPress uploading is not always as reliable as it should be, seeing as how it is one of the few places -to- post fiction without having your own domain or a blog or whatever), but your layout needs some work. It was kind of hard to read and keep it all straight. How did you upload it? I think (if I remember right) HTML is best for FP. As far as the story itself goes... I think it would have been more believable if Walker and Dale had been volunteers or something at the daycare, rather then an actual...patrons of the daycare (is that right way to put that?). You could still have the brooding Dale who couldn't give less of a crap about volunteering (his parents forced him into it, blah blah, that kind of thing) and you could still create the misfit-relationship between Taylor and Walker (Taylor is looking for a sibling figure, and Walker is gay so in a little girl's eyes he can qualify both as a brother and a sister...think about that for a minute, it'll make sense). The end got me a little confused. Not the bold bit (which doesn't need to be bold), but the part where they're fighting over the notebook. I understood that the notebook flew into the water, and that they were then fighting over the drawing Dale had done of the two of them, but it seemed a little...quick I guess? Were there more drawings then that one? Did they rip the picture? I felt like it could have a little more detail. Oh, and this made me feel bad for carrying around a notebook everywhere (except I cannot draw at ALL, I use mine for writing). I know it's weird sometimes, but really! It'd be more weird for me without it! I love my notebooks. Aaaaanyway, I hope that helped a little. Other then all of that detail-detail crap I feel the need to spout on about, it was pretty good!

08-20-2008, 05:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
RogueWriter Official GTF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Wisconsin Gender: Posts: 26	Oooookay. I didn't get that the park and notebook ripping was in the future, compared to the rest of the story. I thought they were still at the park w/ the Daycare group... I think I may be even more confused now, hahaha. And just because you have a small fan base doesn't mean you shouldn't put the effort in. If you do, it shows that you really really care about what you're working on and it's going to attract more readers. I don't want to get preachy or anything, but only doing half the work isn't going to get you anywhere.