Adrastus

This is long - but hopefully somewhat inspirational - Please read if you have the time

Thats more or less what I've been telling my close friends - They tell me their problems, and I'll usually say , "You don't know it, but I've been getting handed shit for years now, trust me.. scavenge around and try to find the least stinky spot" . . . They are usually shocked, but most don't inquire - they know i'll say nothing, yet they are still some of my closest friends.

Yesterday was pretty normal, it just so happened the day before I got rather angry with my dad - for some reason that day he decided to bring up girls in speech, almost trying to pry for information that I like girls and such. Knowing he was joking, yet still slightly serious really annoyed me. I'm now 18 and i have never said anything pertaining to girls for ages - he knows that it makes me angry and thats what he was trying to do, my parents gave up with their sly hints for a long time - and just accepted me as I was, waiting for the right girl they think. (They don't know I'm gay)
However, I was pretty pissed off so i started talking to the only girl I told, and there was one text that said "It doesn't seem like he's ready to find out your gay", It was suppose to be semi-comforting, but it hit me almost instantly, I broke down in tears, just like a flash of lightning, unexpected but its a phenomena nevertheless.

I haven't cried since I was 10 when i had to get a root canal, and had to suffer through the pain for two days until i could see a dentist to see what was wrong. This was a complete utter shock - just hearing myself through the sobs made me feel like crap, i couldn't believe it, the fortress was invaded, ready to be destroyed from the inside out. I thought about telling my parents and their reaction, could they kick me out? what would they do? would they disown me from the family. I'd be the first out of 150+ odd direct family members that has at least come out I didn't want to hear that - i've been contemplating telling them for a while now. I had to leave my room and go outside to try and regain my balance, after calming down i continued to talk to my friend - not letting on what just happened.

The next morning I woke up, still mildly depressed from the previous night's phenomena, I got my shower, ate breakfast got dressed and headed off to school, it was beautiful day out too, it was going up to 19 degrees Celsius (which is amazing for here in spring) As I was driving to school, very summerish songs to me came through the speakers in the car - "Steal my Sunshine" - reminiscent of summer 1999 and James Blunt's "Wisemen" (Summer last year)... I thought to myself as I drove - I'm tired of this, I can't do it anymore, its ridiculous that one of my best friends who knows me the best out of everyone lives in Ontario, almost 3000 km's away. I want to be out, I want people to know, I want to be the gay guy of my graduating year - the fearless bastard who wants his life to be his and not some fake dogma of a straight guy shell with a gay fragile soul. I have to let him come out and do what he must!

Realizing this brought a smile to my face and a touch of sadness that I could not enjoy that amazing day the way I wanted too, but it was a realization that had to happen, and I'm proud of it. As you know , everyone's coming out can be either really complicated, or simple. Myself, is complicated. As i mentioned Earlier with such a large family as mine 150+ , if not more, leaves many cousin's ears and aunts and uncles around, all of which could tell my parents, and they can't find out that way, i won't let them. So coming out to my friends is virtually impossible - For someone of my rank amongst school (being a social butterfly some may same, I am part of many groups at school, for I see no difference amongst social status in my high school) Word would spread quickly, it'd be quite the gossip.

Also, I'd have just as many enemies at the start as friends - There are quite a few girls i am aware that like me, if not are in love with me, which sounds very self-absorbing, but I'm not at all. I'm usually very modest, and its hard to believe someone could like me actually - I almost feel bad for them cause I don't think i'm worth their entitled company. I do have self-esteem and confidence, I am comfortable with myself, and thats what keeps me going. Anyways, the girls would be pissed, for a bit anyways. My closer friends would easily accept me, which is all that matters - I'm graduating this year anyways, so it'll all be over in about 5 months. Anyways , telling my friends first - virtually impossible without my parents finding out.

So, I have one rule I must abide. No matter what! I have to let my parents know, or at least one of them. Trying to decide amongst the two, thats where the problem is. On one hand I have my dad, He is down to earth, and has talked about gay friends in his past. And he told me once (while slightly intoxicated) that if i were gay, I have to come out, and not live my life with a woman and come out at age 35 when i have 2-3 children popped out. Which would never happen - females are of little interest to me. It sounds all good , but he was influenced. And with his constant inquiring of my personal life with female friends and what not, makes it difficult. I've never been extremely close with him as it is, he's more of the guy i go to talk to about philosophies of life and shit.

On the other hand, I have my mom. I am really close with her, we think the same, share the same logic and interests in the same fields (science, medicine, helping people, etc). However because of that I am kinda scared that she may not see the logical reasoning behind being gay - trying to understand that it isn't a choice is the biggest part. She is a woman of science (pharmacy) and very respectable, how would she react to her out of the norm eldest son. She would certainly say she is alright with it, but will she actually? I don't want her to hate me secretly forever, it'd absolutely kill me inside and out. Not to mention her affiliated family with the catholic religion, my grandmother and grandfather along with her aunts and uncles are extremely religious, luckily she isn't as absorbed but its still part of her life.

On all the other imaginary hands - are the different ways I have to tell them. I've thought of writing a letter, giving it to my mom on a nice sunny day when things are bright, and just go for a drive - tell her to call me. Part of me is scared she'll call and say "don't come home" ... Voila, my future is gone - my 92 average in school rendered useless without the money to pay for further education. I haven't really thought of any other ways, There have been countless times I just simply go sit with my parents while the watch TV, or are conversing amongst themselves to see if i could just build up the courage on the spot to say something, all are failures to the extreme.

All I know - is i have to come out, I'm tired of faking it all, this sad attraction to females. I can't keep feeling like this, I've spent holidays, even such joyous ones as Christmas , depressed. And it hasn't gone un-noticed, my grandmother actually called me almost in tears cause she thought something was extremely wrong. Now I'm not just hurting myself emotionally and causing this extreme mental damage, I'm hurting the people that are closest to me. My parents have noticed a decline in myself as well though they are pre-occupied as it is, my dad is out of work cause he's recovering from the most extreme of chemo treatment today, and my mom is holds a manger pharmacy position at a local pharmacy - swamped between paying my high cost of tuition, my dad, and taking care of everything else. I try not to be a burden, and they know i wouldn't want them to worry , so they try not to.

This emotional damage is what I believe makes us gay's more developed, trying to handle all this and carry on a normal life - makes us superior mentally to some degree. We experience more then any straight guy or girl for that matter would have to. And for it we learn to keep a secret if we are told, we have a higher developed taste for common sense and stronger logistics and outlooks on life. (Well some of us anyways). Anyways here is my story - If anyone could suggest on how to actually come out to parents i'd love it - or simply tell your story. This might be inspiring to someone else, or even myself.

The one thing i'd like to point out my dad said, "Don't come out with you're 35 with 3 children" . . . That goes for everyone.. could You imagine being the wife in that situation, or the kids. That'd be devastating to everything, even more-so then holding a huge secret of being gay throughout adolescence.

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Never argue with idiots, in the end they will just beat you with their experience.

breakmeagain101

ok wow that was really long and i didnt read every word, but i got most of it...and i totakky agree with u...though ive never thought of everything exactly like that

Seth

I read every word of that, and even if nobody else can be bothered, most people just skim, know that you have truly inspired one person, I know exactly how you feel Exactly, to the dot.

I'm feeling nervous for GCSEs, happy with the state of my life, confused because I haven't been with anyone properly in a long while, and i'm scared it will go wrong, terrified that in 2 years i'll be on my own in a totally new environment (uni), sad because i'm leaving school (an environment ive grown to fucking love), pissed off at people taking me for granted and just being 'Seth, that gay one' and thoughtful from all of the above. It's the most horrid feeling, when you want to cry, but can't, can't bring yourself to even fucking cry. I didn't even cry when my grandma died. Shit like that is fucked up, but I try to live with it, go to another bar and move on.

It's shit, totally shit. But, fuck it. Fuck it. Don't matter yeah? Turn your back on it and say fuck you. Don't ignore your problems, don't hide your sexuality, admit it, live proud and live honourably.

No matter what.

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myspace.com/kthxdan

Aires

Wow...just, wow. Yeah, it was definitely inspirational. I'm a little teary-eyed. Dude, you told me before that the two of us had a bit in common, but damn. This...you...you just seem like you had such a rough time. And I can relate only too well with a lot of what you're going through. Usually, I guess I would simply quote a piece and address it, but your story just has too many things that I can recognize as familiarities to things in my life. As you know, I'm kind of going through the same thing. And I guess I can say that I speak for more than myself when I say that I share some of your pain.

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*Aries giggles at Driver *
*HUGGLES*

killingloneliness

i cant believe i actually took the time to read the whole thing, wow. i kno exactly how u feel. cept i kno my mom would be fine with it, the rest of my family... not so much... i wanna come out but i wouldnt be able to bear seeing my family. i hate awkward conversations, i hate talking bout my love life, and itll be even more awkward if its about guys. sumtimes i think just to run away so i can escape every1 and not have to worry about my family hating me. i dont care if anybody at school knows, the can deal with it, but the only problem is my mom is friends with EVERYONE in the school district, so if the school knows, so does my mom, which means the rest of the world will too! she tells everybody everything. ugh... i kno just how ya feel...

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Jamd

Wow, the story of every gay's life in print. I def agree with putting of coming out for a while, with your mom and dad so stressed about work and the chemo. All i can say is be brave and good luck, it will turn out as is meant to.

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a man that smiles when something goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on